Looking for light in the darkness.
My Journey Through Depression and Caregiving
Depression affects more people than you realize. Depression is a mental state of low mood and aversion to activity. It affects more than 280 million people of all ages. Depression affects a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being. Everything is about perceptions. The Bible says in Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
How do I do that with my situation?
I learned about it first hand after I had to deal with the unexpected course of events that happened after my wife retired. Her mood swings and headaches we witnessed turned out to be a large brain tumor. The removal of the tumor introduced us to the health care system, inpatient, outpatient, and palliative care. The initial surgery was followed by three more, with all the corresponding ills that come from being bedridden. She overcame blood clots, pneumonia, infections, bed sores, COVID, and fungal meningitis. Her body began to return to a fetal position, she lost the ability to talk and eat at one point. We have seen how nursing homes and rehab facilities operate.
As a pro-gun guy, pastor and a podcaster, I thought I could start a new show about suicide, and depression to help not only myself but others. I did not have suicidal ideations but I was around too many people in my circle that did. I had just started a new job with the Army’s public affairs office and had to witness the loss of two command officers before I left the job. I started researching suicide prevention and looking for help personally from the down feelings I had to no avail. This was during the COVID lockdown so the world was weird. Therapist were quitting the profession and those that were in operation were at max capacity, not taking new patients.
While my wife was in the hospital/nursing home/hospital cycle, I created “If I Died Tonight” podcast. I interviewed three people that volunteered to share their struggles. The dialog was so disheartening, that it drained me. I didn’t want to air any of the conversations for fear it would release an ominous spirit and infect someone else.
According to statistic, depression occurs more often in women than men. Everyone that is sad, irritable or having problem sleeping is not depressed.
In men, depression manifests often as tiredness, irritability and anger. They may show more reckless behavior and abuse drugs and alcohol. They also tend to not recognize that they are depressed and fail to seek help. In women, depression tends to manifest as sadness, worthlessness, and guilt. If you are feeling “some type of way,” you are not alone. Depression: It happens but it doesn't have to define you.
As the calendar clicked onto 2025, I am still a depressed caregiver. My wife is getting better care at home than she ever did in a facility.
So here are the wise words given to me today.
In order to survive your situation (my situation in particular that depresses me.) I need to find a nugget in all this mess that I can convert to a blessing. I have to make my being in this dark place, the ultimate reason for a blessing. Maybe there is gold, silver, or diamonds in this mine, I haven’t noticed yet.
Depression is more prevalent than many realize, affecting over 280 million people of all ages. It’s a mental state characterized by low mood and aversion to activity, impacting thoughts, behavior, feelings, and overall well-being.
The Bible offers a perspective on finding purpose in adversity. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose". But how do we apply this to our own situations?
I learned firsthand about the challenges of depression when my wife retired and began experiencing severe mood swings and headaches. These symptoms were eventually diagnosed as a large brain tumor. The journey through her treatment introduced us to the complexities of the healthcare system, including inpatient, outpatient, and palliative care. She underwent multiple surgeries and faced numerous complications, including blood clots, pneumonia, infections, bed sores, COVID, and fungal meningitis. At one point, she lost the ability to talk and eat, and her body began to curl into a fetal position. We witnessed the realities of nursing homes and rehab facilities.
As a pro-gun advocate, pastor, and podcaster, I decided to start a new show about suicide and depression to help myself and others. Although I never had suicidal thoughts, I was surrounded by people who did. While working for the Army’s public affairs office, I witnessed the loss of two command officers, which further fueled my interest in suicide prevention. During the COVID lockdown, finding personal help was challenging as therapists were overwhelmed and not accepting new patients.
During my wife’s hospital and nursing home stays, I created the “If I Died Tonight” podcast, where I interviewed three individuals who shared their struggles. The conversations were so disheartening that I hesitated to air them, fearing they might spread a negative spirit. I ended the show after only a few episodes.
Statistics show that depression is more common in women than men. However, not everyone who feels sad, irritable, or has trouble sleeping is depressed. In men, depression often manifests as tiredness, irritability, and anger, leading to reckless behavior and substance abuse. Men are also less likely to recognize their depression and seek help. In women, depression tends to manifest as sadness, worthlessness, and guilt. If you’re feeling down, you’re not alone. Depression happens, but it doesn’t have to define you.
As we enter 2025, I remain a depressed caregiver, but my wife receives better care at home than she ever did in a facility.
Here’s the wisdom I’ve gained: To survive your situation, find a nugget of blessing in the mess. Transform your dark place into a source of strength. There may be gold, silver, or diamonds in this mine that you haven’t discovered yet.
