“Nobody needs an AR-15.”

As everyone knows, the Constitution of the United States was carefully crafted to protect the needs of its citizens, even to the extent of adding ten amendments…known as the Bill of Needs…to specifically name some of the most important needs. The 2nd Amendment to the Bill of Needs is a great example.

“A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the need of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

 

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See? It says you can keep and bear any arms you need, but it certainly doesn’t say anything about those deadly AR-15s. Because you don’t need an AR-15, and they are clearly dangerous in the wrong hands, you’re going to have to give yours up..

Come to think of it, there’s a lot of other dangerous things out there which you don’t need

For starters, you do not need a swimming pool. At least not a swimming pool at your home. Sure, they are fun and can provide exercise to defend against obesity, but the average citizen cannot be trusted to operate a high capacity swimming pool safely. Perhaps public, government-operated swimming pools would be OK, since swimmers there would be protected by professional government lifeguards. But there are way too many risks to allow ordinary citizens to have swimming pools at their homes. Did you know that 75% of drownings of children under age 15 occurred in a high capacity home swimming pools?  They aren’t even any good for deer hunting.  Ban them!

 

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Another thing Americans clearly don’t need is Chevrolet Corvettes. Have you seen these things? Nobody needs 650 horsepower to go to work or the grocery store! (Not that you need to go anywhere else.) Some models will even go up to 200 miles per hour, which is almost three times the legal limit on most interstates. That sort of power should be entrusted only to the professionals! One study showed that 37% of males 15-20 who were killed in fatal car crashes were speeding…yet we continue to allow these Assault Corvettes (and others like them) on our streets! There isn’t even enough ground clearance or cargo space to take one deer hunting.  Ban them!

 

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And don’t even get me started on big screen TVs. No one needs a big screen TV, and you know the Founders never envisioned such a thing. Fortunately, big screen TVs are not protected in the Bill of Needs, so we can get rid of those. After all, one study showed that “physical inactivity is a primary cause of most chronic diseases.” Did you get that? That obviously means that we could reduce chronic diseases if we got rid of big screen TVs, and if it saves just one life…  Just imagine how much we could save in health care costs if televisions were banned, not to mention the savings we could realize in resources expended to manufacture these high powered big screen TVs and get them to market. (What kind of TV qualifies as “big screen”?  Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that. The government can sort that out for you later.) Sure, you could use a TV to watch shows about deer hunting, but you could get that information just as well from a book made on an 18th Century printing press…just like the Founders intended. So since big screen TVs serve no practical purpose, are actually harmful to you and to the economy…and you don’t need one…ban them!

 

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You see, all these things may be nice to have and even offer some positive benefits, but I think I’ve shown quite clearly that they are way too dangerous to be in private hands. Irresponsible owners of these things are simply adding to our annual body count, and responsible owners who insist on keeping theirs are just as much to blame. Getting rid of such luxuries will obviously save lives, and you should recognize by now that they are protected nowhere in the Bill of Needs, so for the sake of public safety…

What’s that?

You say you have a right to these death machines?  Now you’re just being difficult, silly peasant. You’ll get just what you need, and you’ll like it. After all, that is what it says in the Bill of Needs.

(And don’t even get me started on due process and presumption of innocence…you have no idea how many people misinterpret that one!)

 

— Dave Cole

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